LOVE & LOSS

I’m now in the home straights of finalizing ‘Love & Loss’, which is a collection of my poetry that will be out early in the New Year. It’s been a very cathartic process to revisit and curate almost half a century’s worth of my writing. Along the way, I’ve learned a lot about myself; about the paths that I’ve followed along the way, about where I am today, and what I want to do next.

In introducing the title track ‘Love & Loss’, I’d like to share an excerpt from the book’s introduction:

“My mother died when I was 17, after a very long illness. Her health had declined throughout my teenage years, and we had known that she was dying for 3 or 4 years before her death. Looking back now, I see that the weight of that loss muddied the love that I felt for her, and from her. I was lost, sad, angry, frustrated, hurt, and resentful. When a loved one dies after a long illness, it feels like a double whammy. Not only have you lost that person from your life, but you lose the version of yourself that had been supporting them through their illness.“

‘Love & Loss’ is the first poem that I’ve ever written about my Mum, and like much of my recent work, it was fully-formed at birth, spilling out of me onto the screen. In reality, almost forty-five years is a pretty long gestation period. I see now that for all of that time, I’ve resented my Mum: for her having to deal with a lot of challenges when I was very young, which left her with little emotional bandwidth for me; for getting sick; and for dying at such an early age (she was only forty-nine). I can see now that I was seeing things through the eyes of a child, and that I’ve just continued to drag it around like an anchor, throughout my entire adult life. As the poem says, I’ve decided that I’ve mourned enough, and instead of grieving for the things that I didn’t get to share with my Mum, I’m choosing to celebrate her, and the love that we share.

LOVE & LOSS

Sometimes 
we get so wrapped up in loss
That we fail to witness love writ large
Remembering our relationships
by what they were not
rather than by all that they were

Sometimes
relationships end all too soon
Loved ones leave
They change
They grow
They die

Sometimes
Loved ones stay
And it’s the love that leaves
The love that dies

I’ve mourned for all that we didn’t have
I’ve grieved for the ‘could have beens’
For the ‘should have beens’
Enough I say
I’ve mourned enough
It’s time to celebrate
All that was
All that you were
All that you still are

You are still present in my life
And I choose to see you
Choosing to welcome you in
Choosing to feel your presence
Choosing to hear you
in my words
Choosing to see you
in my reflection
Choosing to be enveloped
in your love