TRIGGER

I was feeling very tender when I woke up this morning. Today would have been my late brother’s 73rd birthday, and so I took some time to think about him, and about the part that he played in my childhood. He was the first person in my family to go to University, and it was only as an adult that I started to understand how difficult that must have been, and how he’d made it so much easier for my brother John and myself.

Later, I decided to walk a few blocks and seek out my friends who were chalking the pavements, as part of The Global Love Project. On the way, I was just about to cross the road at a pedestrian crossing, when I saw a police offer berating a young black man who was dressed in women’s clothing, and holding a sign, asking for money. As I got to the other side of the road, the young man walked away from the police officer, crossing the street that I’d just crossed. The police officer followed him, demanding that he provide him with his name and ID, which the young man respectfully declined to do. I paused to fully understand what was going on, and I decided that I needed to cross back across the street, and to bear witness and offer silent support. When the office saw me, he told me to move on, and I politely declined. At that point, he started talking into the microphone on his shoulder, and within about 30 seconds, a back-up had arrived, and he was describing me to the second officer, as someone who had “taken it upon himself to push his way into things”. Again, I chose to stand my ground. I didn’t like the officer’s energy or that he appeared to be losing his patience, but I could feel the young man’s eyes on me, imploring me to stay. At this point the two officers went into a huddle by the second officer’s squad car, and the young man saw his opportunity to walk away, and took it. The first officer came back, and noting that the young man had left, he jumped into his squad car, and drove off at a tear. No-one said anything else to me, and I found myself shaking. That was when the following memory came flooding back to me.

As I walked away, I made a promise to myself to better understand the law here in Florida, in situations like this one. Remembering back to how I felt when I was the one being unjustly accused and bullied, I’m glad that I was there, and glad that I made the choices that I did. I also thought about the privilege I have in walking through life as a white, middle-aged male… remembering how it had been very different when I identified, and was subsequently targeted for being, an outsider.

TRIGGER

I was eighteen
Dealing with grief
by diving deeply into life
Losing and finding myself
In punk colors and shock values
I’d scraped beneath the surface
And found so much love
So much understanding
and so much acceptance
From those who were shunned
by so many

It was an everyday any day Saturday
As usual, we’d gone into town
Living and breathing music
We’d bounce from record store
to record store
Exploring our hopes and dreams
Etched deep within those grooves

We’d gone into Boots for some reason
And there, I’d spotted my cousin
I didn’t recognize him to begin with
His frame gaunt and tired
His skin sallow
A knitted woolen hat
covering his chemical baldness

It was the first time 
that I’d seen him for a while
And it would be the last
His leukemia in remission
He was desperately trying 
to be a normal teenager

Not really knowing what to say
And already dealing with enough grief
I overcompensated with humour
Manically reciting Monty Python sketches
In an attempt at levity

His eyes met mine
Warm
deep 
resigned
And we bade our farewells

I left the store

ahead of my friends
They were still in line to pay
And I wanted a moment on my own
To think
to process 
to accept

Walking out 
into the age-old medieval streets
I suddenly felt hands upon me
And my body was bounced
into the cold damp brick 
of the alleyway

It was common then
to be set upon
For the way that I dressed
and for who I chose to call friend

Looking up
to see who was doing this to me
I was surprised to see two grown men
middle-aged
cheaply-dressed
muscle already turning to fat

They both wore near-identical uniforms
Off-brand Sta-Prest trousers
short-sleeved polyester shirts
Their eyes hidden
behind mirrored aviator glasses

“We’re plain clothed police officers”
they told me
As they calmly bounced me
against the wall again

“We’re responding to a complaint”
they said
A group of youths 
had been causing a public disturbance
had been terrifying Saturday shoppers
and generally making a nuisance of themselves
And I fitted the description

They moved in closer
stripping me of my dignity
stripping me of my agency
I tasted fear
Knowing that they intended to scare me
I knew that they could also hurt me

It was at that moment
that my guardian angel appeared
The older brother of one of my friends
I didn’t really know him all that well then
He wasn’t with us that day
But he had been in the same store
with his girlfriend
And had left around the time as me

I’m not sure if I ever knew 
what had made him turn back
Or if I had
it’s long since been forgotten
I will never forget what he did though
Telling his girlfriend to wait
He’d stepped back into the alleyway
Stepping ever closer 
to where I was being held

“What’s going on?”
he asked
I’d been frantically
protesting my innocence
Telling them
that person that I’d accosted
was actually my cousin

They’d paid no attention
Continuing to bounce me off that wall
Stopping only when they realized
that they had an audience
And more importantly
that I had a witness

One of bullies
Let’s go ahead and name them
for who and for what they were
Turned and snarled that he should leave
That it was none of his business
That it was a police matter
and that they were upholding the law

“I know him and I’m not going anywhere”
he replied
And he did just that
Planting his feet firmly
Looking to me
Finding my eyes
And without words
he reassured me 
that everything would be okay

There was a stand-off then
And my heart raced
As time stood still
As if to compensate

Bouncing me off the wall
One last time
They told me 
that they were cautioning me
And that they would be watching me 

They’d moved in close for that
All menace
stale Marlborough’s
and Christmas set aftershave
And then they were gone
Melting back into the Saturday crowds

I melted back into the wall
to stop myself from falling
Allowing myself to crumble 
And my tears to flow freely